Your Baby in the D&D Monster Manual
February 6th, 2007
This is quite funny 
But probably only if you’re a D&D fan 
This comes via an email from my friend Summer:
Cute Elemental
Size: Small to Chunka-munka
Hit Dice: 1
Initiative: N/A (Always strikes first)
Speed: Just try and keep up with one for a day
Armor Class: 5 (but you have to catch it first)
Attacks: Kung-Fu (if older siblings watch Power Rangers), also see below
Defenses: See below
STR: 3
CON: 9 (18 if it’s had a nap today)
DEX: Varies, but improves when drawing on walls with crayons
INT: Varies (usually 4-9, but can seem god-like for their simplicity of thought)
WIS: Varies (usually 4-9, but may seem infinite as Cute Elementals may actually be shards of the Buddha/Christ Consciousness)
CHA: 18
Alignment: Chaotic GoodCute Elementals, when summoned or otherwise brought into this plane of existence, can use the following powers at will, an unlimited number of times per day:
Exude Cuteness: This power is the primary defense mechanism of the Cute Elemental, and when employed against adult humans (age 9 and up for females, 15 and up for males) can cause the target to forget whatever it was they were thinking about at the time and pay attention to the elemental unless the adult human rolls less than the sum of their intelligence and wisdom scores on a roll of d100. This effect lasts for 2d6 rounds, after which the adult human is left feeling silly for having been bettered by forces other than logic and reason for another 2d6 rounds.
Exert Will: This power allows the Cute Elemental to coerce adult humans into doing whatever the elemental desires through sheer stubbornness or tantrum throwing, and is often employed following a failed attempt to Exude Cuteness ( q.v.). This power is typically used to convince the target to do something it wouldn’t normally do, such as allowing the Cute Elemental to wear the same pajamas continuously for three days running or repeatedly picking up and returning dining utensils dropped on the floor.
Power Word “Uh-oh!”: This ability is similar to Exude Cuteness (q.v.) in that the Cute Elemental, upon doing something “bad” (i.e. dropping a fork on the floor, throwing spaghetti, drawing on walls, flushing hairbrushes down the toilet, etc.), can exclaim “uh-oh!” Unless adult humans within hearing range of the make a check against their combined intelligence and wisdom scores on a roll of d100 (at a penalty of minus 10), they will rush to the Cute Elemental’s location and show great amounts of affection for the being while knowing deep down inside they should be frustrated, if not angry.
Snuggle: Among the most dangerous of the Cute Elemental’s abilities is that of being able to keep its caretakers from getting up and going to work on time. This ability requires some preparation on the part of the Cute Elemental in the form of waking up just before Mommy and Daddy and climbing into bed with them and then employing its Exude Cuteness power to convince the Mommy and Daddy to hit the snooze button “just one more time.” Once the Cute Elemental is fully snuggled, the alarm is often shut off or ignored completely until the Cute Elemental is done snuggling and has gone downstairs to begin casting Power Word “Uh-oh!” The only known defense against the Cute Elemental’s snuggle ability is to get up before the Cute Elemental and get it dressed and ready to go to day care before it wakes up. This has a chance of failure, however, and on a roll less than 50 - (int + wis) on d100, the Cute Elemental may be able to convince the parent to get back into bed, fully dressed.
Cute Elementals typically evolve into normal children by the age of 6, and then into Tween Elementals by age 11. At this point, care must be taken to guide the development of the Tween Elemental (described more fully elsewhere in this tome), else the Tween will grown into an Emo Elemental, at which point all semblance of its former cuteness is lost and replaced with eye liner and black clothing. The Emo Elemental’s primary attack and defense modes come in the form of its Power Word “Meh” spell, but this is also discussed more fully elsewhere in this tome.
Categories: Gaming |
